Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Talking about fruition.

These are the things that have been bothering me for a while now:

I'm not sleeping well lately. I don't know why, but it's getting chronical and it's wearing me out. Some nights I just can't get passed snoozing and wake up every 5 minutes or so, other nights I turn into such a deep sleep that I forget breathing and wake up with a jolt.
Yesterday morning, I opened my eyes and the first thing that went through my, well - neck, was a shot of pain. The muscles stretching from my right shoulder to the pit of my neck were so sore that, in order to not put a strain on them, I had to use both my hands to help lift my head up from my pillow.

I had a hard time making my way down to the bathroom, I barely managed to take a shower and practically had to crawl into my shirt and sweater because I couldn't get my arms above my head.
Worst of all, that very same day I was expected to attend a 4 hour assessment for this job I'm applying for. Sitting at the breakfast table looking around with a neck that felt as flexible as a log, I totally did not feel up to that.
But those are the days that you have to show what you're made of. Those are the days you can't go crying to your mommy and moan about how hard life is. So I kicked myself out of the house and tried to loosen up my muscles as I left the house and walked through the street.
Things were better in the afternoon but I can imagine it must have been weird for people to see my head turning from one side to another like a telescope sticking out of a submarine.
Today, after spending 7 long hours on a torture bed, my muscles feel less sore, but I'm still tired.

I'm not eating well. I'm trying to live on a tighter budget and convince myself I'm eating healthier by not buying meat or getting chips and cookies in the house. Of course, whenever I'm in the store I also forget to buy fruit and that leaves me with nothing of real substance in the fridge. So whenever I'm hungry, I either go for the easy stuff, like pre-cooked lasagna or soup out of a can, or the greasy stuff, like pizza's or french fries.
The worst of it all is that this idea got stuck in my head that me wanting to eat more healthy actually excuses the fact that in general, I still mostly eat unhealthy crap. This is what I do : if I feel guilty about having had yet another burger from McDonald's, I grab an apple on my way home to make amends. I eat the apple and feel better about myself with the first seemingly small but at that time really huge step for me towards a healthier life style. The next day, I buy another apple and eat it, not with as much gusto as the day before, but hey, I got it in the tummy and it still was pretty yummy. But, by the third day, I'm already bored with the taste of apples and become hesitant to buying any other type of fruit. So basically I blame it all on the dull taste of fruit. Compared to so many deliciously tasting unhealthy stuff, fruit is boring. Unless you make a salad out of it. But I'm too lazy for that, too.
By the time this realization kicks in and after having had what I call a "placebo healthy period", I'm back on my way to McD's or the Pizza Hut without any sense of guilt. And that's where my never ending circle of lazy dieting continues.

I'm not feeling very fit. Last year I started this running program and felt very proud about myself because I was able to keep it up for 12 weeks. Then I moved back to Belgium, forgot to bring my running shoes and .. stopped running.
A feeble attempt to do something about my slacking fitness-level was going for a frequent lap in the community Olympic swimming pool. I bought a not so cheap pair of swimming shorts and the first time I went swimming, after say.. about the second stroke, I was already bored out of my mind. When I dragged myself to the pool the second and third time around, I was in fact very proud of myself that I was actually keeping up the "frequent swimming". I haven't gone swimming since, though.
Then, after first having failed to recruit a racket ball buddy, I bought a Nintendo Wii console and got the Wii-Fit Balance Board with it too. It wasn't cheap but I considered it to be an investment in myself. And it meant that now I could do Yoga, fitness and muscle exercises whenever I wanted, without having to go to an after-work Yoga class where I'd need to arch and stick my butt up to the ceiling to impress the Yoga instructor, or go to a fitness center and endure the stench of sweaty gym partners.
The Wii-fit game kept me going for a short while, but after like, well - three weeks or so, I was bored with the way the exercises are presented and carried out.
Meanwhile, I did manage to persuade my cousin to go racket balling with me. I admit I kind of underestimated the devastating effect of having to run around in a small square chamber, trying to hit a rubber ball against a wall but mostly hitting your racket ball partner and smacking your face against the glass instead. Our reserved time slot was one hour, but after 20 minutes we were already sitting flat out against the wall, gulping from our bottles of water and showing symptoms of pneumonia.
OK, we did spend more time playing that day. But we haven't gone back since.

I'm still looking for work. Decent work. Something that pays well enough to pay my rent and the frivolities I give in to every month. Something that challenges me without needing to say my social live goodbye and forces me to get a membership card with the Work-Aholic club.
I've been to numerous job interviews, tried to be enthusiastic and full of optimism every time they've asked me why they should hire me and not someone else, I've been tested and scrutinized in every possible way (well, except medically that is) and it still has left me with nothing.. they really should pay you to go and find a job.. well I guess the government is already doing that in a way.
I should know more about my results by the end of this week.

And when so, that might be the time I can finally bring some more routine into my life: buy more fruit and veggies, plan some cooking time, go running or engage in any sport activity that is frequently planned into my agenda and so soon, hopefully, I will feel better about myself again.